Moons Light

It's hard to think about my appearance. Today in one of my classes there was a story told about a girl with and eating disorder. And what did I do? I freaked out, panicked inside..desperate for the story to end. No really, this isn't exaggeration. I tried to plug my ears but I still heard most of this. When it was over I threw on my sunglasses and the teacher came over to me and apologized. This was also my first day of no lunch. So it was just weird... I'm still struggling to gain control of this monster in my head. I'm afraid to talk about it with Him but I need to let it out. It's just like...it seems just when I start to get better, I relapse and it takes over. I want to cry...really bad but it will not come. So what do I do to make myself cry? I think about my last resort...cutting. Idk if I will but the want is strong. So very strong. Just one slice..but one turns into one hundred....

Song: Let The Drummer Kick by Citizen Cope. REALLY GOOD SONG!

So lets see....
I'm happy right now. I just got the OK to get on BC. Which ive been BEGGING for.
Anyway. Maybe it will give meh less pain which is WAY bad right now...

Anyway enough of that. I mean really gross eh?

So uh...Schools AWESOME. Not the school itself. Its the fact that i am getting SO much work done and fast. Im ahead of people and i love it.



So this post was pointless really.
MUSIC! bai.

Song: Dirty Little Secret - The All American Rejects. 

So....its been awhile since i wrote. And i think its better that way. Id rather keep my relationship to myself. Instead of posting it.
Everything else i could care less about.

Apollo is pretty....Okay. Work wise i can handle it and am quite confident that i'll make honor roll. Which would be great. As for the people there...How do i explain that??? The people there are all shit for brains. Or well the majority of them....I mean even D...Who i know well....HAS GOTTEN WEIRDER! Like insanely so. To the point where [and call me a bitch for this] I will not sit next to him starting next week. He just says and does weird ass things that i don't even want to be a part of...AT ALL! And i know thats really...rude of me. But seriously, no wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend. HES WEIRD.

Anyway, i know i too am weird, but, not like that.

Moving on....

I'm overwhelmed with the ED yet again. Ive gone back to weighing myself a bunch of times a day. Disliking what i see....I keep trying to walk, or do my sit ups but the motivation wont come. No matter what the numbers on that god forsaken scale say. Its rather annoying really. And it seems no matter how healthy i eat, which i keep trying to, Nothing changes. All i want is to wear a big ass sweater and walk around simi in 90+ weather. Im silly like that but anything to hide the way i look i'll take i guess.
And all of this makes me feel the need to cut. Like it will take everything away, and make me skinnier. But of course it wont so i throw the thought away. I haven't cut in a while. A month and a half? maybe 2...Still i have my blades and safety pins for the time when i break down and do it anyway.

Blah im out of things to talk about let alone think more about.
////end

Happy birthday to Patrick. Who isn't reading this, or knows about these. Bwaahah. 20. Shittt. Im gonna be dating a 20 year oldddddd Loveee ittt. Not love him. cuz well can't love him yet. but yes. yes yesyesyesyes. I kissed him tonight. Just a peck.......he was almost nekkid..........only boxers on. >< it was lovely.
Oh so tonight. It was Strip Dodgeball. My ex Tom was there. Yeah it was awesome cuz he and i are friends still. we 'argued' about our relationship and how we broke up. it was HILAR. Lets seeee, i stripped twice. One guy wanted me to strip....two guys.,....then three.....and then Patrick.haha so a bunch of guys were hitting me with the balls and got me mostly naked. Then Tom put a dollar in my bra. Hey im one dollar richer! Hugss from Patrick alll night long made me SUPER happy. i almost...ALMOST stripped completely. and then Patrick did....with a hat over his love jewels. It was super sexy seeing his WHITE ass.... ahh im going to love being with him.

And now its 12:38. I have no sleeeping meds, and really, im not planning on taking any of my meds tonight.



sooooo i'm thinking about reading another chapter of Enders Game and then some sleeeeep.

I can still smell Patrick on me....ahh.....