Moons Light

MY NEW BLOG. SAME NAME...SAME GAME. GO!
LINK IS BELOW. 


New blog.

Song: Composure-August Burns Red.

Too much to fucking think about tonight. And its all cuz of this song...or mostly.
Tonight tho, before i listened to this song even, I've felt confused. I still don't know WHAT to think. As in, i c a n ' t think. Idk what this is still and its got a tight hold of me...Thats for sure. I know i WANT to cut..But i don't know if i will...blah.

This song made me realize tho that i REALLY do need to let go. All the things that have happened in the past three years that are keeping me here..

-Jon leaving me for some random girl
-Trace killing himself over me.
-Charlie
-Jared who just fucked up my self esteem...
-All the guys that HAVE hurt me.
-Jake and his psychoticness
-All of the tit shows i shouldn't have done.
-The cutting that has destroyed so many things in my life..
-The eating disorders...
FUCK.

I figure laying it all out for everyone to see might help. Maybe Its a stupid idea...but eh.
I just WANT to let go. Badly. So...why c a n ' t I?
I have no idea....

but i have nothing else to say at the moment...

Send me messages on yer thoughts to Katie.goes.rawrz@gmail.com. Cuz half the people that read these aren't followers. blah yeah

I believe in God. I do not believe in heaven or hell. I believe that our life, the way we live is considered Heaven or Hell. Depends on the person, the actions, and what happens in our world....


On another note.....
Three days in a row i've felt like shit. Not sick...More like mental. Last night was the worst when Patrick was around...I just don't know why i feel this way. Why i have so much hatred towards nothing.
Maybe you're right, Maybe this is all because i let myself get hurt.
Maybe its cuz i feel like you're too good for me...Like im just not worth it....You don't make me feel this way, i promise. But im afraid that im not good enough...
I just hurt. I...just want it to go away.

/end. Im done talking about it for now. Off to finish the comic and then...read something else i guess. Later.

So this blog post has pics. for a change. I think i might start adding pics for the fun of it. Plus it gives you an idea of what im thinking about. I was bored. Shhh...tho this subject is quite important to me.

     In Point Lay, Alaska the Walrus has migrated. Global warming...or so people think has killed off the glaciers that they once called home. It's one of the saddest things I've heard. The rise in temperature in the last 10 years has only brought bad things to all animals, not just the Walrus.
      The Polar bears are losing their habitat. Losing the ice means losing hunting opportunities, swimming conditions become dangerous as the ice moves further and further apart, and of course their population decreases. Thus these cute ass bears are making less babies...From what ive read scientists are predicting that a full 2/3 of Polar Bears will be gone by 2050...
   With Global Warming not only are animals affected, but the water is also affected. The Southwestern streams have been affected severely. These streams come from the mountains that have a huge downpour in snow, or once did. The water from these streams supply water for irrigation, purifying for drinking, Ecosystems for animals, and Native Americans. The threats to these streams have only gotten worse as the heat comes in more intensely and earlier. The spring temps come in usually 3-4 weeks earlier than in the past. The Winter temperatures have also gone up thus reducing the accumulation of snowpack in the mountains having an affect on the spring and summer melt offs which is declining.

   Reading all of this for me has given me a lot to think about. More the fact that there is no way to really stop the rising temps that are slowly killing off animals and reducing water. It has made me realize a lot that is going on today on earth that really didn't have much affect on the planet say 40 or 50 years ago. This all gives you a very small idea as to what exactly 'Global Warming' is and what it is doing to our ecosystem.

You are amazing.
You are perfect.
You are always there for me.
You are my life.





/end for now. ><

I'm slowly slacking in school. And idk..Ive been happy these last twoish days...but the reason ive been slacking is cuz ive been overwhelmed with this hate. I swear im on the wrong meds..They don't help the depression...they seem to just make things worse...and at the worst times!!!
Sometimes its so bad that i get pissy at the one i love..er..ones >< hahahaha
But seriously, i get snappy, i feel so helpless, and down...And i get it randomly! Its something i rather dislike.....


idk what else to say so it'll wait til tomorrow.

Life was awesome today. Totally completely. I have all control on me. I'm happy about that.

What im not happy about is guys. Not Patrick. He's perfect. Puzzle piece perfect. Damn ive been afraid to say that since Jon. But anyway thats not the deal.
Nor is it why im writing this...
Its this guy. Who wont just live with the fact that i have a guy and i wont give him up. I'm not dropping it with P for this other guy. Yet said other guy wont leave me alone at all. Keeps calling me sexy and telling me that he wants me. FUCK OFF. I have someone who i want. And yet when i tell this guy all of this..He persists with everything. Im so..UGH. Over guys wanting me. I never wanted to be wanted in the first place. FUCK.

Of being sick.
Of people.
Of life.
/endendend.

I want to drink. I found vodka that i stole. Nasty shit but i want the drunk high. Hah.

I got my new phone....but everyone i text wont text me. Or i don't want to text them....

Fuck. My. Life.




Off to get drunk and text someone....idk who yet.

Im irritated. Why? I wish i knew.
I'm depressed. Why? I wish i knew.
Tonight proved to be shittier than expected.
I can't help that my brain is going into overload suddenly.
I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to fuck. Im at the point of breakdown once again. I was here a few nights ago.
Idk what to do.
I'm not happy. I'm depressed. Sort of.
Its hard as hell to explain honestly.

Sooo...Im going to go read Deathnote online....bye...

...

Im so done with my brain...Beyond done with the hate that keeps going and going in my head.
I just wanna get drunk and forget it. Forget my life...The bad parts at least.

At this very moment, i have no idea whats going on...why i hate SO much.

i can't even fucking finish this...

whatever night...

You,

        You don't seem to understand my feelings. So i'll throw them out at you.
1. You're there, and im here.
2. We don't mesh. I know you don't think thats true. But it is.
3. Yeah, im happy. But you're my best friend no matter what. And i will NEVER let go of that...I can't

Look, we as a pair....friends...have been through way too much to just...Leave eachother alone for good. So just think about it. You're the only person who has cared for so long, who has helped me through so much and who i will continue to love in the family/friend way.

                                                                                                                    -Me.

It's hard to think about my appearance. Today in one of my classes there was a story told about a girl with and eating disorder. And what did I do? I freaked out, panicked inside..desperate for the story to end. No really, this isn't exaggeration. I tried to plug my ears but I still heard most of this. When it was over I threw on my sunglasses and the teacher came over to me and apologized. This was also my first day of no lunch. So it was just weird... I'm still struggling to gain control of this monster in my head. I'm afraid to talk about it with Him but I need to let it out. It's just like...it seems just when I start to get better, I relapse and it takes over. I want to cry...really bad but it will not come. So what do I do to make myself cry? I think about my last resort...cutting. Idk if I will but the want is strong. So very strong. Just one slice..but one turns into one hundred....

Song: Let The Drummer Kick by Citizen Cope. REALLY GOOD SONG!

So lets see....
I'm happy right now. I just got the OK to get on BC. Which ive been BEGGING for.
Anyway. Maybe it will give meh less pain which is WAY bad right now...

Anyway enough of that. I mean really gross eh?

So uh...Schools AWESOME. Not the school itself. Its the fact that i am getting SO much work done and fast. Im ahead of people and i love it.



So this post was pointless really.
MUSIC! bai.

Song: Dirty Little Secret - The All American Rejects. 

So....its been awhile since i wrote. And i think its better that way. Id rather keep my relationship to myself. Instead of posting it.
Everything else i could care less about.

Apollo is pretty....Okay. Work wise i can handle it and am quite confident that i'll make honor roll. Which would be great. As for the people there...How do i explain that??? The people there are all shit for brains. Or well the majority of them....I mean even D...Who i know well....HAS GOTTEN WEIRDER! Like insanely so. To the point where [and call me a bitch for this] I will not sit next to him starting next week. He just says and does weird ass things that i don't even want to be a part of...AT ALL! And i know thats really...rude of me. But seriously, no wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend. HES WEIRD.

Anyway, i know i too am weird, but, not like that.

Moving on....

I'm overwhelmed with the ED yet again. Ive gone back to weighing myself a bunch of times a day. Disliking what i see....I keep trying to walk, or do my sit ups but the motivation wont come. No matter what the numbers on that god forsaken scale say. Its rather annoying really. And it seems no matter how healthy i eat, which i keep trying to, Nothing changes. All i want is to wear a big ass sweater and walk around simi in 90+ weather. Im silly like that but anything to hide the way i look i'll take i guess.
And all of this makes me feel the need to cut. Like it will take everything away, and make me skinnier. But of course it wont so i throw the thought away. I haven't cut in a while. A month and a half? maybe 2...Still i have my blades and safety pins for the time when i break down and do it anyway.

Blah im out of things to talk about let alone think more about.
////end

Happy birthday to Patrick. Who isn't reading this, or knows about these. Bwaahah. 20. Shittt. Im gonna be dating a 20 year oldddddd Loveee ittt. Not love him. cuz well can't love him yet. but yes. yes yesyesyesyes. I kissed him tonight. Just a peck.......he was almost nekkid..........only boxers on. >< it was lovely.
Oh so tonight. It was Strip Dodgeball. My ex Tom was there. Yeah it was awesome cuz he and i are friends still. we 'argued' about our relationship and how we broke up. it was HILAR. Lets seeee, i stripped twice. One guy wanted me to strip....two guys.,....then three.....and then Patrick.haha so a bunch of guys were hitting me with the balls and got me mostly naked. Then Tom put a dollar in my bra. Hey im one dollar richer! Hugss from Patrick alll night long made me SUPER happy. i almost...ALMOST stripped completely. and then Patrick did....with a hat over his love jewels. It was super sexy seeing his WHITE ass.... ahh im going to love being with him.

And now its 12:38. I have no sleeeping meds, and really, im not planning on taking any of my meds tonight.



sooooo i'm thinking about reading another chapter of Enders Game and then some sleeeeep.

I can still smell Patrick on me....ahh.....

Okay okay.
So im reading throo these and im like I HAVE TO POST THESE!
These are from TextsFromLastNight.com. Im just quoting them....they are hilarrr



"I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you"


"sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself."


"Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine."


"Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it."


"this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude"

"well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'"


"Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe."


"you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted"

Idk who the fuck to trust anymore.

I don't want to talk to you and get in the way of you anymore. I give up. /end of that.
As for P. Idk...Idfk what to do about it. This person says that he's flirting with all these girls ><. Which he can, its fine but does he like me? guh. Whatever.

Idk maybe i shouldn't go for anyone.
Ever.
Again.

Phones offff.
Bye.

Song: The Death Of Me by City and Colour   "People love to drink their troubles away..sometimes i feel i'd be better off that way..." "My nerves will be the death of me...i know..."

Up. Patrick is in my life. And yaknow what. I hope HOPE HOPEEE this turns into something...Okay do i sound desperate? Cuz i'm not. This kind of just happened...
Down. I'm afraid to talk to T because im afraid to Fuck up again. I don't want to lose my best friend.
Up. Saturday I smoked pot finally. Chris and I did...and Patrick...and Stacy.. haha but mostly Chris and I. We shotgunned it. And it turned sorta into a makeout session...with some light petting....Which /coughididn'texactlyenjoycough/ Anyway. Being high....omg it was..ooh. I laughed sooo much. I was sooo worried that my parents would find out. But i played it cool. So yeah. Im not addicted or anything and i don't plan to smoke again any time soon.
Up. I have a date with Patrick. And my parents are letting me go!!! After they meet him of course. But omg YEEEE!

Song: Cry Little Sister - Seasons After [has nothing to do with the title...] 
Idk what to do right now.
I'm really hoping you're reading this Travis....This is for no one else but you....Well the first half at least..

Do i give up? If i gave up, id lose you for sure. Just know i'm like this with you because i truly love you. I'm not like this with guys. Not normally. I push you away, i say you don't love me...i do this because ive never been loved like this. I've never wanted to be wanted by someone so perfect. I've never had someone who wanted to...who wanted to want me...or cared or loved me the way you do. You have to understand...i do this because I've been hurt countless times. And i'm still hurting from that. And i know its fucked up that i in turn hurt you because im hurt. I don't mean to...You have to believe me when i say that i don't mean to hurt you babe...I really don't...I know i'm probably not going to be forgiven for hurting you this time around, and thats fine. I can live with that. I can...or hope i can live with you not wanting to talk for awhile[yeah i'll go nuts but i'll learn to live]...Just don't leave me for life..Please, i beg you not to leave me forever. You are the only thing that keeps me sane anymore. I know this doesn't cut it at all, but I'm sorry. Sorry for everything i've ever done to cause you any pain at all. All the times i've threatened to kill myself, the times ive pushed to away to the point of pure pain...All of it..I'm sorry..Beyond sorry...



On a high note...For anyone else whos reading and wants to know. Today was my last day of summer school. Thank effing god. I'm happy to do be done with that. I got next week to take the state exam tho. Hopefully i'll pass. I think i will. I'm confident.
I met someone really cool today. She's WAY into Yaoi! Which i loveee. And shes writing a yaoi manga. Which is wayyy coool. And ima learn how to draw manga and do yaoi too! And and and yes. I'm happy about that. It was the highlight of my day. Well that and the fact i wore high high heels to school. Was cool
Yeah. Lates.

You,

              I'm afraid i pushed you away to the point where you left for one day and decided not to come back. I'm afraid of what might happen if i lose you completely. I fear suicide might come for real. No more sissy "i want to die" and not do anything shit. I mean it. I love you to bits...And losing you...after i got you back...I mean fuck...

And then i get pissed and think yaknow what just go. But then regret that too.

Maybe i should just go slit my wrists some more and cry alone like i have been.

---Me.
PS. I HATE YOU, BUT I LOVE YOU. Fucker.