Moons Light

Okay okay.
So im reading throo these and im like I HAVE TO POST THESE!
These are from TextsFromLastNight.com. Im just quoting them....they are hilarrr



"I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you"


"sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself."


"Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine."


"Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it."


"this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude"

"well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'"


"Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe."


"you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted"

Idk who the fuck to trust anymore.

I don't want to talk to you and get in the way of you anymore. I give up. /end of that.
As for P. Idk...Idfk what to do about it. This person says that he's flirting with all these girls ><. Which he can, its fine but does he like me? guh. Whatever.

Idk maybe i shouldn't go for anyone.
Ever.
Again.

Phones offff.
Bye.

Song: The Death Of Me by City and Colour   "People love to drink their troubles away..sometimes i feel i'd be better off that way..." "My nerves will be the death of me...i know..."

Up. Patrick is in my life. And yaknow what. I hope HOPE HOPEEE this turns into something...Okay do i sound desperate? Cuz i'm not. This kind of just happened...
Down. I'm afraid to talk to T because im afraid to Fuck up again. I don't want to lose my best friend.
Up. Saturday I smoked pot finally. Chris and I did...and Patrick...and Stacy.. haha but mostly Chris and I. We shotgunned it. And it turned sorta into a makeout session...with some light petting....Which /coughididn'texactlyenjoycough/ Anyway. Being high....omg it was..ooh. I laughed sooo much. I was sooo worried that my parents would find out. But i played it cool. So yeah. Im not addicted or anything and i don't plan to smoke again any time soon.
Up. I have a date with Patrick. And my parents are letting me go!!! After they meet him of course. But omg YEEEE!

Song: Cry Little Sister - Seasons After [has nothing to do with the title...] 
Idk what to do right now.
I'm really hoping you're reading this Travis....This is for no one else but you....Well the first half at least..

Do i give up? If i gave up, id lose you for sure. Just know i'm like this with you because i truly love you. I'm not like this with guys. Not normally. I push you away, i say you don't love me...i do this because ive never been loved like this. I've never wanted to be wanted by someone so perfect. I've never had someone who wanted to...who wanted to want me...or cared or loved me the way you do. You have to understand...i do this because I've been hurt countless times. And i'm still hurting from that. And i know its fucked up that i in turn hurt you because im hurt. I don't mean to...You have to believe me when i say that i don't mean to hurt you babe...I really don't...I know i'm probably not going to be forgiven for hurting you this time around, and thats fine. I can live with that. I can...or hope i can live with you not wanting to talk for awhile[yeah i'll go nuts but i'll learn to live]...Just don't leave me for life..Please, i beg you not to leave me forever. You are the only thing that keeps me sane anymore. I know this doesn't cut it at all, but I'm sorry. Sorry for everything i've ever done to cause you any pain at all. All the times i've threatened to kill myself, the times ive pushed to away to the point of pure pain...All of it..I'm sorry..Beyond sorry...



On a high note...For anyone else whos reading and wants to know. Today was my last day of summer school. Thank effing god. I'm happy to do be done with that. I got next week to take the state exam tho. Hopefully i'll pass. I think i will. I'm confident.
I met someone really cool today. She's WAY into Yaoi! Which i loveee. And shes writing a yaoi manga. Which is wayyy coool. And ima learn how to draw manga and do yaoi too! And and and yes. I'm happy about that. It was the highlight of my day. Well that and the fact i wore high high heels to school. Was cool
Yeah. Lates.

You,

              I'm afraid i pushed you away to the point where you left for one day and decided not to come back. I'm afraid of what might happen if i lose you completely. I fear suicide might come for real. No more sissy "i want to die" and not do anything shit. I mean it. I love you to bits...And losing you...after i got you back...I mean fuck...

And then i get pissed and think yaknow what just go. But then regret that too.

Maybe i should just go slit my wrists some more and cry alone like i have been.

---Me.
PS. I HATE YOU, BUT I LOVE YOU. Fucker.

I'm tired.
Tired of being the one thats ignored.
The one that is used.
The one everyone chooses to be a jerk to.
I'm tired of all my friends having good days...And me just screaming inside for no reason. Well okay the reason is always obvious....But hey, i can't just walk to him...

My mom constantly asks me why i always look so depressed. I lie about it. "oh i feel sick" or "Oh todays class was just bad" When really ive been trying to get the guts to throw my phone at a wall, delete his pages on all my stuff and forget. Which i know i cannot do. For me it is impossible to get away from him. Why must he be the root of me? I'm not trying to say that he's ruined or ruining my life. Because its not HIM, its ME doing it. And i hate that he thinks i think he ruined my life. Because i don't. He made it amazing. I'm just having issues moving on. And i should just move on already but i can't and ah blah blarg! 

"Fuck this cross my heart and hope you die left by the roadside...Karmas a bitch right!?" <----has no meaning i just like it ><

offf...latez...

I've chosen to give up on you...Whats the use.

Ive chosen to give up completely on anyone possibly.
Even people in my future.
I shall live my life alone.
Yes, Abel, i'm giving up on Love. I've learned over time that its a useless thing in life thats just there to cause pain to a person. And all its given me is pain and memories. Or as i like to put it together...painful memories. Yeah. pretty much.
I love you so much S...But I give up because you have others to go for. So go for them. And forget me. I'm not worth it anymore. Out with the old and in with the new. So I'd like to keep you as a friend, but even that proves as hard. Maybe after a few days or weeks i can readjust to this and move on...But for now maybe i just need to be alone.
Alone from everyone.....
So to anyone who texts me. and of course Abel....Please refrain from trying to contact me, as i will not answer. I'm not ignoring you per-say, just taking some personal time to deal with my life.

"To be or not to be"

Since no one seems to get it properly.. I am cutting off contact with anyone possible. Not exactly avoiding, just not speaking to anyone for a few days. It's my Way of getting my thoughts straight. Sorry guys....

Song: Beauty Through Broken Glass by Eyes Set To Kill. Hints the title of the this post. And its going to be my open mic song!!! ><

Anyway. I finally told Jon my thoughts on him and I. I want to play the field for a change. I've never really gotten to do that. Never gotten the real chance to date anyone here...And i want to....
heres my part of our conversation...
 i never told you to wait.

Kathleen D: i'd never make you do what im having to do for the one I love Jonathan.
Kathleen D: Go on. Have a good life.
Kathleen D: Without me.
Kathleen D: You don't need a piece of shit like me.
Kathleen D: I wish travis would get that but he doesn't
Kathleen D: thank god i secretly say at night but still...

But even he had to be a jerk with me after that...I deserve it i guess...I always do and i know it. I just...
I give up trying with guys...
I'm ready to die...
Truly am...
I don't think i will but im falling into a depression coma...and its numb....

/end blog for a few days....

I fear that one day this will all end. THIS being you. But i'll keep holding onto hope. /end.


I'm in love. Floatingly in love....with a guy i cannot have. Its perfect and wonderful. If it didn't hurt so much that is. I've spent night after night after night crying over this and it wont stop. I've never been this way over any other guy before. So why now? Why does this guy have to be different? its been a year and a half that ive known him. and NOW it hurts to love him....WHY!?
And as i lay here looking at the light up stars on my ceiling, i wish over and over that i could just hear his voice. Just once. a simple hi. or babe....or something.
But for now i'll continue to just cry myself to sleep...

As for my weekend. The 4th was good. Hung out at our friends for a small get together. On his balcony you can see the WHOLE valley so we saw works all over the place. It was nice. Minus all the junebugs ><

And ive been playing Aion again. Its my escape. I like to jsut ignore my phone for hours and play with my legion. its nice.


blah short post. i'll write in a day or two. night.

No song tonight since im in bed and doing this in secret after the nights events.
Tonight i went to Zombie Tag. Get used to it. In the summer it'll be every other week it looks like. I like it.

Anyway...It started off terribly. I was practically ignored..but eh. I shook it off and took a walk for awhile.

After i got back Tim was there and God...i just...I need to get over him, but i can't yaknow? He has a gf now. And idk i'm happy for him surprisingly. Really happy. I'm all happy cuz i have one of his gloves! I had to take a safety pin to it and tighten it up..but eh. I love it.
I got close to him and felt wonderful and am very happy for it. In ZT my whole goal was to bite him. I kept trying to attack him and get him down. IT WAS HARD! We did eventually. But i wasn't biting him sadly. I got grass burn and hurt all overr!

Like within the first 20 minutes of the game i slipped and fell, rolling into a tree. It was more shock, not pain. I know i'll probably feel it in the morning though ><

The best part of the whole damn night tho had to have been the fact that we had decided to place topless ZT. But...I was the only girl to remove my shirt to my bra...The other girls were too wimpy. It was really reallly fun. Plus in a demented nasty way...Tim got to see me topless for the most part....

Sooo besides all the asthma, the falling, the grass burn, the being whacked in all places and whacking in all places and being ignored...It was a good night.
I'm off to eat and then go to sleep.

Song: Take My Hand by Honor Bright.

"To be or not to be".
I'm lost in this weird pit of confusion as i usually am after a breakup. Trying to push forward, trying to find someone to fill that void, the broken part in my heart. I tried it with Jon. I can't do that. I saw Mikey today...Kissed him a few times..and yaknow. I feel something but he is so young i don't want that. I almost want someone new. Someone exciting with some zing! Someone i've never been with before. I need something different in my life. I want T, but we know that wont happen unless i magically move to his hometown....[/secretly wishes to move there within the next month]
I get to go to Zombie Tag tomorrow and see my friends. The ones i need to see. The few i really trust. Kaley and Tim. Dallin even. But Tim is my main concern. I'd like to be with him honestly. I like him, always have.

And this is where the confusion comes in.
Mikey, Tim, Mikey, Tim. I've dragged Mikey out too many times and then bashed him! Like using him just to makeout with him. I gotta stop doing that. But at the same time, i'm going into a new school in a month and a half. Sooo, who knows what that may bring. Right? Then again...I'm just a freak no one wants to be with.
I'll be alone. Maybe thats how its meant to be. And maybe i'll start just getting used to that...
Maybe...just maybe i'll get used to being alone...
Starting now.

Things are looking clearer...No really, i got glasses. Bwahah. ><
Anyway..blog.

Song: Hearing Damage by Thorm Yorke

I'm in love with a guy i can't have. Its been the story of my life for a year and a half just about. I've grown to live with it. When he slipped through i cried, and cried, and i hope he reads these posts and sees how much i hurt...How he broke his promise to never hurt me.
But this is all besides the point.
My point today is...
"To be or not to be." Again. In its actual form from Macbeth.
Its how i've been starting off my days all week. Its how i feel. Living seems stupid but alas, dying too seems stupid. I'm stuck in the middle. The need to just go about as a person with no use. Make sense at all?
I haven't cut in what...3 months maybe? And today its sounded amazingly good. Like HEY Break out the blade bitch lets roll with it! But at the same time, i can't stand to break that promise i have with him.
I miss group, because i keep going back to the ED and cutting and burning and thinking about that stuff is hard without someone to talk to. not someone close enough...
Everything in life is just getting harder as I'm getting older.
I know thats how life is. I hate it.

On a brighter note...school is going well. Well okay school WORK is going well. People at school still suck except Kenzie who i pretty much look up to. I'll talk about her again some other time. At the moment i'm too tired...I'm off to take a nap....