Moons Light

I wake up and zombie my way to school. I hate school. It started off good. And yaknow what, im at the top of my classes. Which is amazing but...I'm falling apart, screaming inside. I have next to no one to talk to anymore.
I'm greatful to have my ex's that amazingly still want to talk to me. And i love that. Its a little weird to talk to them hah but i like having someone to talk to.
I feel like i can't be bright an happy anymore. People want me to be. Keep telling me "life is what you make it" blah blah blah. Yes i know thank you, kindly fuck off.

Oh and quit comparing me to Bella! Just because shes all zombie like in New Moon...Its not me. I've had two people say that to me...its weird as fuck.

Mom is mad cuz i'm constantly 'tired' i go to bed at like 7 now. Its sad...im too depressed. I don't eat, decided an eating disorder was the way to go yaknow. kidding really i am. I just am not hungry anymore. i've eaten once today. its great..maybe i'll rot away! yes! stop eating all together....Think im crazy yet? Good i'm glad. I want to just have you back. Look i'll fucking run away if you want. Just take me back im dying like this....
god why am i begging? why do i bother?
I'm going to bed...

You, Your choice to leave was good. I'm sure you'll find better. I'm sorry I push you away but it's because I'm hurt. I believed you were perfect. Believed you were the one. You proved me wrong. You say distance is hard. Ya think I have no idea? I used to go to bed at 8. And really, I'd cry over you. Over the fact that you couldn't be here or vice versa. The distance is tough I do know. But I try not to let it get the best of me. I finally had you. But now you're gone. You're gone and my whole world is falling apart. I keep thinking you must be happy, you have friends to hang out with; I don't. You got into college; I probably won't. You have a bright outlook on life most of the time; I'm negative 99% of the time. I keep thinking I'd like to die. How god whom I barely believe in is trying to push me over. How every day I live with people at school calling me retard for going to continuation or how no one will talk to me anymore. I wish life was different. I wish I thought differently, but I don't. And I'm sorry I don't. I'm sorry if my negatives pushed you away. I do think about you constantly and wish my ex wasn't my bf once again. I'm ending it today infact. But that's just me. My life. Everything ends all the time. Everything ends... "To be, or not to be" -Me

I give up on you. Completely. You say you're busy. Okay fine. Be busy without me. Go away. I don't care anymore. You said you'd never hurt me. But look what you've done. All damn week I've hurt over you. When I said I had a bad day, I meant I was upset cuz you had nothing to do with my day. And yaknow what. You don't seem to want me. You have cold feet I can see that. So go ahead and find someone else. What a great way to spend my birthday. I doing this because I know you won't wish me a happy birthday tomorrow. Or tell me you love me. Or even say hi. So just go do whatever you do and leave me be if you want. I'm gone. The big ass burden in your life is gone. I can't keep hoping that the next day you'll finally say something because I know you won't. So I doing you a favour and just leaving.

I'm hating this life i live. Its like i have no release anymore. I have no sexual drive anymore. No motivation to be happy, creative, or even to play aion or write...or read...Im so...hopeless and gone.
 We haven't talked much. And today all you said was hi.....and i really just want to breakdown now. But in the last 4 or 5 days....Ive done that enough. My body wont let me do so anymore. Should i stay? Or should i go? I keep thinking you're just busy the next day will bring happiness...But when the day comes and goes im left feeling empty and unwanted. I say good night every evening...But i get no reply most of the time. I haven't gotten an 'I love you' or anything...No good morning texts...I'm getting nothing from you. DO YOU CARE!? FUCKING GO AWAY AND LEAVE IF YOU DON'T. I'm already hurting now. I know it'll hurt shitloads more if you leave. But i can take it if you want to go. I can yaknow. I can walk this earth alone forever if need be. Just don't leave me hanging anymore. Please because its driving me nuts. Its making me want to die. Its making me want to cut. And burn. I haven't because i keep holding onto EMPTY HOPE! But after tonight if i don't get anything i will. I'll cut like there is no tomorrow. I'll hold onto my secret and walk around like there is nothing wrong when my whole world is crashing because of you. So please tell me if im over reacting. Am i? I don't think so.

Song: Stupid Girl by Cold.

People wonder why im so pissed off and depressed and just bitter. Well...Hmm.

• I ruined our trip to Canada with school issues. 
• I don't have a room to call my own at the moment.
• I can't hurt myself in any way.
• I can't drink.
• I can't drive anywhere.
• I have no friends whatsoever.
• Oh and...My awesome camping trip which is also my Birthday has been completely canceled because my sisters store is remodeling. Oh and she can't get out of it.

Not her fault really. She tried for the last three days to get out of it. But she couldn't. I'm just bitter about it. I wanted for once to have a birthday of fun with my parents and my sister. Whatever....Now i'll be stuck at home again to age.


I just hate that I've ruined this whole year.....

Hey its what screamo guys say...
Song: Watch Me Bleed by Scary Kids Scaring Kids. I learned it on piano. Look it up. Its...depressing but i love it. "you took everything but it left you empty. You can't replace me, you can't...." Oh thats a line to JEA. Yep........and now i write...


I'm reallly starting to dislike my mood. I've been down and easily depressed. Ready for sleep whenever i can get it. And totally loving the dog laying on my feet. Like he is now. But thats completely besides the point. The point is....I'm lonely. Alone every waking minute or so it feels. And its starting to get to me...Its like whats the point of taking my meds if all its going to do is sit in my liver?

Ugh im too bitchy, depressed, tired, sick to write. Night. yes night at 7pm.

Sooo it's going well. I've been eating the right snacks. I mean yes. It's been two days and in still enjoying my junk. But not as much. I cut soda out completely. It's now all water or iced tea. Yummers. Crunched and sit ups are going really well. I've done probably 500 in the last three days. That's probably pretty normal for me. Well it used to be. It feels good to be back into it. And I think a lot of this has to do with my math. I'm doing well with it. I'm getting it for a change. It's not so much of a strugle or as dreading as I once thought. I'm enjoying my tutor and enjoying the work surprisingly. I have high confidence that I'll do well for the CAHSEE prep and exam. My boyfriend is perfect. My diet is becoming balenced. My school stuff has fallen into place. Camping is in a week and a half. And my room is painted, and furniture is shipped and on its way ro my house. My life is slowly coming together. I couldn't ask for a more perfect beginning to summer. <3

Song: Stamp On The Ground by Italobrothers [<3 jumpstyleee]
This whole...Healthy thing is actually a lot harder than it looks. And sounds.....Yep.

I mean for me keeping to things and consistency with certain things is VERY hard. Like seriously, ive never been able to keep to washing my face two times a day. Hints the pizzza face ><. Nah i do wash my face i just do it in the shower everyday. Same with my teeth. I do a better job in the shower than i do over the sink. Oh but don't think i only brush my teeth once a day. hah i do it three times. Im actually reaallly good about that after a bad 6th grade incident....><

Anywhoo..Where was i...Oh yeah healthy. ITS EFFING HARD MAN! And its just i can barely tell myself to get motivated to work out and at least to crunches everyday. Or idk..Drink water not diet coke..Because really for the last two years Ive probably had more soda than water. Its bad. I'm good at being healthy....When i want to be. I'm just really fucking lazy.

I'm all about organics and shit and i hate red meat blah blah blah. But im a junk food person too! RAHRRR i hate this.


CURSE YOU CUUUURRRSSSEEEE YOOOOOUUUU

bai.

Song: The Backwards Pumpkin Song by Dance Gavin Dance

Too many things to writeeee about today! haha some good some bad. Just...a lot.
What to start with what to start with. Ahh yesterday.

Zombie Tag.
Yesterday we all met for an awesome game of Zombie Tag. its a mix of Tag and Hide&Seek. It was really fun. For three hours we hung out at the park while it got dark eating snacks, talking to eachother, and playing catch or tackle or whatnot. I met a bunch of cool people. There were like 30 of us. And then when it got dark we all joined in and it was nice. We all grouped up as 'newbs' and 'oldies'. We explained the rules and everything and got started. I was in the dirt under a picnic table with my friend Dallin. Who was under one across from me. We were there for about 15 mins. I then ran and hid behind a tree for 30 mins. And felt it was safe to run to the playground. We got there and were close to getting caught. Next thing i know, i hear the growl of a zombie. And thus i ran. But was caught quickly and bitten. >< . It was a lot of fun trying to growl at guys to get them out of treees. I can't climb trees worth shit.

My room.
So, I finished clearing it out and we painted it. its a really nice DARK ass purple. I love it. Beyond love it. Its gothic and dark the way my world is in my head. Its me. Im so happy to get all my furniture after 6 months of living in the office and not having a room to hide in really. So now im getting ALL new furniture and i get to go through all my stuff and get rid of junk. Finally. I've been needing to for a very very long time. And i do have to say im very happy to do it.

Guys.
At ZT My old crush was there and we hung out and shared music and talked a bunch. he and i are super close still even after like 6 months of not seeing each other. But we fell into our old thing of music. And it was nice. And when we hugged it was like a spark ran through me...it was...weird. I keep wondering if he felt it too though. I wish i could get the guts to just ask but i can't ><.
Tho he's not my issue. I'm with my guy. I love him. And im Happy. Thats all that matters and thats all that should.

Song: The Word 'Best Friend' Become Redefined by Chiodos.

I'm really up and down today. A lot to think about, i guess.
What with school and Jo.

Johanna is really truly my best friend. And the thought of her killing herself scares me constantly because i know how rough life is on her. Its rough on me too. I just get so scared that one day she'll go through with it...I can't stand the thought of losing her....

And school....School is school. Since i failed its just been like. 'what do i do with myself now that i have nothing?' yaknow? Altho, now that I'm going to enroll at Apollo, it might be better. They offer an extra year. So instead of 4 years of highschool, if you don't get all of your credits you can have another year. I think thats why i really wanted to go there after we had our meeting with the vice principal. They offer tutoring and groups and its just...they seem to have teachers that want to help their students learn. Not just learn to take the state tests like they normally do. The teachers care about their students and I really really like that. A LOT.

My problem is just that i need to catch up with my math. I need to get myself motivated. And fast. But knowing me it wont last but a day or two. I'm just scared that maybe I wont make it....That i'll be doomed to failure my whole life. I mean i never wanted this. This isn't the way i had hoped my life would have gone. But it did and i guess i have to learn to live with it, and try and figure out ways to help myself get better with things.

And thats where i'm going to leave this. For now. Tomorrow i may have more...I'm not sure though.

Song: Alaska by Between The Buried And Me.

Last night and today haven't been good. Ive been...thinking way too much. I guess this is what i get for talking to an ex for the first time in a long time. Its like, i let out everything that has happened since him and throw myself into a jumble..A really really big mix up in my head.

In a way i see this as me growing up. It always seems to happen when i change. I guess its just a sign that I'm changing >< Dur.

Anyway. Im stuck on the fact that i can't seem to figure myself out at all. Its like im stuck in anxiety attack mode. Im so mixed up and emotionless. Yet depressed so i must not be emotionless. I keep trying to just push past it but i can't seem to. And its really hard to. I can't just continue to hurt myself for the rest of my life. Can't continue to punish myself for things i never did.

Every guy ive ever known has hurt me and i think this is whats been bugging me. That everyone hurts me. So in turn i feel its my fault and i should hurt myself. I'm just at loss with everything i guess.
Im at the point where idk what to do with myself but lay in bed and read. ><

Some of my past exes have been great.

Okay let me start that over.....

One of my exes is great.
Jon. He's like a brother to me. I still love him. Not nearly as much and not in a way that would ever be worrisome. Hes always been there when i needed him. Well, okay not really but when we do talk its rare, but it feels good to talk to him. Its not "I love you, and miss you Katie." Its "How are you? hows life treating you? Hows your boyfriend?" like he truly cares as well. He's never annoying with anything. He's always been a really close friend to me. And will always be.

Some guys on the other hand, aren't all that great.
Charlie never will talk to me again. Jake is annoying as fuhk and i could care less about him to be honest. And Chris and billy and man my list goes on. THEY'RE USELSS MOST OF THEM.

All in all. Exes aren't worth you're time.